hum hum hum Rudolph the red-nosed rein-deer da da da Walking in a winter wonder land Oh-yes we hum de dum dum Hum hum And I brought some corn for popping da dam dee dum Let it snow let it snow let is snow da da dum dee Jingle bells Jingle bells jingle all the way ta dam dee dum Iiiii'm dreaming of a white christmas, just like the ones I used to know wee hum dee dum Silent night, holy night laaa dee dum de dum dee dum Thank you Thank you! You're a wonderful audience! Glad you liked my christmas tune medley. Hehe. It is a bit late, I know, but I just feel the ease of the christmas spirit(ous) So. What's on the menu? Turkey? No. We've had that. At least I've had it. Five point eight kilos of it to be exact. (burp) Let's see. Some roast? No. Had that too. I ate Rudolph's little sister and she was grrrreeaat! I don't know what you've been eating this christmas, but here in Norway we eat the most repulsive things for christmas. There's something called 'Lutefisk' which directly translated would be lye-fish. According to this dictionary it's 'Dried Codfish prepared in a potash lye' whatever that means.... Anyway... It's discusting... Imagine a cod (the fish called Cod) that has been drenched in lye for so long that it has gotten all wobbly and almost transparent! Yuk! Then we have something called 'Ribbe' which is the ribs from a lamb roasted for a decade or so... Quite tasty, but there's not much meat on it so it's like chewing bones. I prefer roast from deer or moose with raspberry jelly with banana for dessert! Does that sound great or what? Enough of this food-talk. My belly is getting all worked up... Anyone got something they wanted for christmas? Me neither. It seems whatever you wish for you always end up getting something else. Next year I plan to play a small trick on Santaclaus. Next year my list will contain everything I've never wanted. That way he'll give me everything I've always wanted. Like like well, you know... like the things I've never gotten.. It's really sad that this is the last Eurochart... I won't go through anything about it here. You'll just have to read the editorial and so on to find out why we did what we did. However! This does not mean that we'll stop doing other things! Au contrair! Since we're no longer bound by the Eurochart we'll have so much more time to do what we really want! And that's to please YOU! No not you! The guy behind you! And since this is the last eurochart I have something special for all the Ken fans out there. What is it? Ha! Wouldn't you like to know! Ok, it's a Ken story! Yepp! An e x t e n d e d version too. But first I'd like to go over my mail... Ok? Great. Let's see. First I got this pretty nice sticker from a group called Animators! Super! White kinda long sticker that says Animators. Well, you guess that... Just a second while I stick that to the cabinet of Home Sweet Home, the almighty Crusaders World Head Quarters Bulletin Board System. You see all the stickers you guys have sent me I have stuck (that's what sticker are for) on the cabinet of the computer that runs the BBS. A pretty sight. I'll try to show you a picture some time in the future when it's full. There. Great glue on this one by the way. Right in front of the harddisk. That's stupid. Now I can't see the hard disk LED... Well, what else... Oh. Here's one from I.C.E. This is a more low-budget sticker made of paper. It says Never Enjoy a Drink Without I.C.E. True. Except for coffee or hot chocolate... You don't want ice in those. Next we have a sticker from Jugger of Panic. Wow! Colored disk labels. Clearly done on a color matrix printer, but still very good. It has Jugger's address on them which I'm not going to quote for you. Aha! On the back it says Some labels printed by Foxx. So.. I guess he's the fella with the color matrix printer. Ok... Last but certainly not least I have some stickers from T.E.K or The Electronic Knights. Hehe! Great stickers! It has a TEK logo at the top and three chilly dudes further down. One of them is probably a guitar player. Perhaps the musician? The next guy is probably the swapper since he's holding a disk that says This Side Up!! And on his shirt there's a symbol that indicates that this guy is very active on the radio. Radio-active. Get it? Hehe. The last guy seems like the organizer or something because he's holding a phone (and I bet their coder is at the other end of the line) and he's saying Cut The Crap! (Have the demo ready on time or I'll feed your bullocks to my vegitarian chimpansee!) Let's stick it on.... (Fumble... Fumble) Aw great! On of those stickers that you can't get off the protective paper. Shit.... There. No more stickers? Darn.. Ok, so now I've stuck all my stickers so what's next? Ah yeah the Ken story. Ok, first a small resume from last time. Last time Tanisha disappeared when some nasty guys surprised her in Ken's appartment. Roger and Ken followed them and ended up in another town. From there they found that she had been pumped (let's not get saucy here) of all her memories and probably let go in the nearby town. So Ken and Roger naturally followed their lead. After all Tanisha looks like something between Cindy Crawford and Stephanie Seymore. Chapter 8 of The Story About Ken or A True Story from the Future by Dr. Outtasight / Crusaders Ken pushed the throttle and the hoover turned sharply to the right pointing towards the end of the street. They were pushed back in their seats as Ken tilted the hoover forwards. The town seemed dead looking at it from a birds-eye view, but as the approached the center they could see the myriads of people occupying the streets. They slowed down in front of a small coffee shop. Like other coffee shops this was not called Fat Joe's. Instead just Joe's. Perhaps Joe wasn't fat enough. They parked the hoover at a place that looked safe enough and headed for the coffee shop. Inside it looked more like the place you'd find the scummiest sorts of people, and Ken decided that this was a great place to start asking around for Tanisha. The usual approach would be to ask the bartender, but since that would only releave their account for a large amount of credits just to be told that they had to see someone else, they decided to ask some creepy looking guys by a game table. Excuse me. We're looking for someone that could give us a hint on where to find a certain artificial girl that goes by the name Tanisha. Hey! Can't you morons see we're in the middle of a game here! Buzz of kids! If it's artificial girls you're hot for, go see Big Belly up on sixth street. For a couple of credits extra they'll go by any name you want! Roger suggested that they'd use the old-fashioned approach and ask the bartender. Apart from tending the bar, they tend to know just about everything about everyone. Surprisingly the bartender did have some information for them. After telling the bartender what they were looking for and moving some twenty credits over to his account they were to locate a guy called Weller that usually would be found hanging outside The Palace, a high fashion discotequ-ish place that only rich people have the credits to enter. Ken stopped in front of the large entrance of The Palace and a portier quickly took over the hoover to park it. What a fancy place, Ken. Do you think this Weller fella is here? Let's find out. What a pity that we're not going to go in. My account has been running a bit dry lately.. Give me your account number and I'll fix it. No, only in an emergency. We can't leave traces by hacking into the bank computer like that. The area in front of The Palace was packed. It seemed impossible to find Weller, but by the description the bartender gave them he would stick out from the rest. By the large marble pillars a man fitting the description was handing out small cards. They walked towards him. Suddenly he looked up in fright and started to run. First around the corner then down the dark alley behind The Palace. Ken and Roger started to run after him. In a few seconds they had catched up with him. Weller quickly turned and pointed a plasma gun in Roger's face. Turn and walk slowly back or your buddy's head will be bacon! Hey look.. We just want to ask you some questions.. Yeah, down at head quarters. And then beat the shit out of me... We're not cops if that's what you think. Oh yeah? What's that id badge hanging in your belt then? A membership card for the local scouts? It's my id card for the SSA complex. It's a school. Don't worry. We're probably wanted by the cops by now too. Weller lowered the gun and slid it back inside his long coat. They told him how they'd found the appartment and that they believed that Tanisha had been set free in this town with a new implanted memory. Sure. I know where your girlfriend is. But what's in it for me? Well, the remaining credits on my account should add up to about 200 credits. Would that be enough? Are you kidding? That information is worth at least ten times more! Roger pulled Ken's jacket and wispered something in his ear. Ok.. Roger here can fix you up with 3000 credits, but he needs your account number. It's gonna take a few minutes. Would that be ok? Three big ones? Yeah! Sure. No problems! Great. They walked out from the alley and into the street behind The Palace. A short walk up the street they found an open teller. Roger pulled some electronics out of his jacket and pushed it into the card slot of the teller. The front of the teller slid open and the keyboard was pushed outwards. Weller gave Roger his account number and a few minutes later his account was holding 3000 credits more. Hey! This calls for a celebration. Anyone for a drink? No, not us. We have to find Tanisha. Suit yourselves. I'm having a drink. My account hasn't had that much on it since God knows when.. Hold it! What about the information? Oh, hehe. I almost forgot. Ok, let's see. From what I've heard a pimp up on sixth street found a replicant girl wandering around looking all doped up. The strange thing is that her serial number was from the PX series, so she's not your average Leisure Model. That could be your girlfriend.. It could. Tanisha did have a PX series serialnumber.. What's this pimp's name and where do we find him? And what's so special about sixth street anyway? Well, sixth street is kinda the red light district around here. And since credits ain't no problem for you just walk along sixth and ask for an expencive hooker. You're bound to run into him sooner or later. Weller headed quickly for the nearest bar, and Ken and Roger headed back for the hoover. They started at the top on sixth street and Roger pulled the window down every time they saw someone that looked like a pimp. Excuse me, sir! Hey! Yes, we're looking for a very expencive girl. Can you be of any assistance? Sure. How many credits do you have? Let's see the girls first.. Sure. All of them you see over there are my most expencive girls. They don't look that expencive to me. Say what! Are you telling me my girls aren't worth every credit? No no no, ehm that's not what I meant. I'm sure they are. But you see we're looking for something rather special. Like someone artificial from the PX series perhaps. Oh, you're in the wrong street dude! My girls are plain Leisure Models. And so are the rest of the girls you'll find in this street. If you want PX series or human girls you have to find an open Escort Service. Ken pulled away from the pavement and on to the next pimp. Shit, Roger. There must be at least a hundred pimps down this street and by the looks of it the girls are getting cheaper and cheaper. Sure is.. Hey look. There's a sign saying Escort Service something down there. Yeah, Ernest Ernies Escort Services. What a name. Ken pulled over and they both went out of the hoover this time. Good evening sir. We're looking for a high class girl like from the PX series or something. Could you perhaps help us with that? I sure can. This is Ernest Ernies you know. We stock everything from the basic Leisure Models to live humans. What price range are we talking about here? Just show us a girl we like.. Hey Roger. Look it's Tanisha! There she was. Across the street. Ah. I see you have found something you like? Yes, very much. We'll take her. It's gonna cost you. She's a PX. Besides she's busy at the moment. But I have other PX series girls here. No way. That one or nothing. How much. I just told you she's busy. An enormous giant of a man suddenly appeared from the shaddows. Any problems boss? No, nothing I can't sort out myself. Go eat some stereoids. How busy is she? Let's say you give me 200 credits. Then she's yours. Fair enough. Ken, pay the man. She's yours for one hour. Then she'll return here wether you like it or not. Ken emptied his account and Ernie called her over by a radio transmitter. Tanisha was dressed up in a blue dress and didn't appear as a hooker at all. Hey babe. Let's get out of here. I'm in the mood for a party! Tanisha, don't you remember me? Sure I do. Why don't we have a threesome. Let's rent a big hotel suite with a big bed. Oh wow Ken, she's really gone. Just about everything about her had changed. Her hair, her eyes and her voice. Ken played along and they left with the hoover. As soon as Tanisha got into the back seat with Roger she was all over him begging him to rip off her flimsy underwear and ravish her defenceless body. They decided to rent a hotel room and try to get her old memory back, but first they had to make a reservation. Ken stopped by another electronic teller and Roger punced up a reservation at a pretty nice hotel. Some minutes later they parked the hoover in front of Eclipse Excelsior Hotel. A real fancy place compared to the rest of the hotels in this town. My name is Pete Clarion and I have a reservation for three tonight. One moment. Yes, Pete Clarion for three. That'll be room 16058. The portier will take your luggage. Well, we have no luggage. We're just passing trough. Very well, sir. Here's your card. Roger had the biggest trouble keeping Tanisha from tearing his clothes off in the lobby. It was a good thing the elevator didn't use more than a few seconds to get to the sixteenth floor otherwise she would have had virtually raped Roger. The huge room inside was beautifully decorated and it had an enormous heart-shaped bed in the middle. Wee! This must be the bridal suite. We're in for a helluva night! Yeah, getting her memory back will not be easy. Shouldn't we leave her like that? No I don't think so. If you're so horny, why don't you go find your own hooker? The only way they could hold her still was to wrap wires around her hands and feet. Even then she screamed about how much she enjoyed being tied up. After half an hour they managed to calm her down. They had to hurry. They had only payed for an hour and when that hour had passed she would just get up and leave. They could try to hold her back, but she was as strong as a horse. Finally with the equipment they'd brought Ken managed to stop her. They lifted her onto the bed and pulled the wires connected to her head into the portable terminal. Now. Let's see what they've done to you. Ouch. What a mess. Ok, you start cleaning up in there and I'll see if I can get hold of a copy of her old memory. If I do we got to move fast. That CERT assault squad will be over us in a few minutes. Ken started cleaning Tanisha's memory. Though the procedure was very similar to cleaning biological storage tanks, one had to be sure that the cleaning process did not damage the much more fragile storage in her head. Roger had big trouble getting into the CERT mainframe. They had obviously tightened the security. Ken turned on the TV. If the CERT released a press conference they had to see it. Hours passed before Roger, with Harvey's help, managed to get into the CERT mainframe. Even though the lines could transmit unthinkable amounts of data, they had to get all the information out of the mainframe and back into Tanishas storage and that would take time. Time they didn't have. Well that's about what I have for you guys on this, the very last Eurochart. It's a bit sad to see something so popular disappear from the scene, but as they say, all good things must come to an end. Don't worry Ken fans! I will be sure to put a story in every new production we release! This has been Dr. Outtasight typing for the last time in the Eurochart. I better go wipe some tears .... But first I'm going to tell everyone the new numbers for the Home Sweet Home Crusaders World Head Quarters BBS. The number for the first line is +47-6-833980 This line handles all speeds and modulations from 300 V.21 to 2400 V.22bis The second line has the number +47-6-833981 and this line handles all speeds and modulations from 4800 V.32/V.32bis/HST to 14400 V.32bis/HST The third line has the number +47-833982 and that line handles everything from 2400 V.22bis to 9600 V.32 and 12000 V.32bis. All high speed lines support V.42, V.42bis and MNP level 1 through level 5. It's quite easy to remember the numbers.. +47-6-833980, 81 and 82 That's all there is to it... Well, yeah. Dunno what more to say except Stay Loose and Hang Low! And keep those letters flowing my way! My address is Dr. Outtasight / Crusaders Productions Lovenstadveien 8a 2006 Lovenstad Norway
